8 | Shadows of Our Darkness

"Look at how a single candle can both defy and define the darkness."

~Anne Frank

For every light we chase and for every light we cast, a shadow is revealed. We are meticulously instructed to hide from our own shadows, even when we're completely lost within them. It's only when we can see and embrace our shadows, can we understand and love all of who we are, and step into our ultimate power. Who is hiding in your shadow? They will be your greatest ally in your quest to shine your light.

Embodiment Coach James Bansbach joins me this week to discuss the importance of owning one's darkness, and drawing a loving light to everything we've kept in our shadows.  This is my most important and passionate episode to date, as we hit on the foundation of taking full ownership of, and loving everything about yourself, as that will lead you to your ultimate power, and open yourself to your most authentic experiences.  Each and every one of us has been systematically taught to loath a portion of our personalities.  We dive in super deep, pulling from both of our collective experiences to show you that your darkness can be your best friend, and your staunches ally in achieving your dreams.

Episode Resources
James Bansbach's (Facebook Profile)
Bold Life Brotherhood - ROC (Facebook Page)
@JamesBansbach_Coaching (Instagram)

Books Mentioned (All Links are Non-Affiliate)
The Way of the Superior Man, by David Deida
The Hidden Spirituality of Men, by Matthew Fox
The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, by Debbie Ford
An Uncommon Bond, by Jeff Brown

The World of Naked Rain
The Naked Rain Experience (Official Facebook Page)
Discover Your Light (Our Private Facebook Group)
@nakedrainexperience (Official Instagram)
@StanTheOldFashionedMan (Stan's Instagram)
stan@nakedrainexperience.com (Stan's email)
nakedrainexperience.com (Official Website)

Transcript

Episode 8: Shadows of Our Darkness

Stan Rain: [00:00:00] "Look at how a single candle can both defy and define the darkness." Anne Frank. For every light we chase and for every light we cast, a shadow is revealed. We are meticulously instructed to hide from our own shadows, even when we're completely lost within them. It's only when we can see and embrace our shadows, can we understand and love all of who we are, and step into our ultimate power. Who is hiding in your shadow? They will be your greatest ally in your quest to shine your light.

[00:01:02] Welcome back to the Naked Rain Experience. I hope your week and weekend have been fulfilling. And I appreciate all of your feedback on last week's Naked Jam episode. That was a lot of fun, you know, to spice things up around here and your feedback is always welcome, and encouraged. This week, I'm diving into the darkness with Embodiment Coach James Bansbach. Don't worry, we've got a light for you, but there's something important hiding in our shadows. And it's about time, we find out exactly what that is. Do you want to unlock your superpowers and live to your fullest potential? Take a big guess as to where your greatest secrets are hidden.  Mmmhmm...

[00:01:43] My name is Stan Rain. I'm a healing guide, men's personal development coach in training, martial artist, master of time and weaver of dreams, and also a lover of old fashions. On Instagram and Facebook, we're @NakedRainExperience. Join our private Facebook group while you're checking that out, or you can hang out and have an old fashioned with me on Instagram @StanTheOldFashionedMan.

[00:02:09] The Naked Rain Experience is about getting naked to reveal all of who we are, the person that we've hidden from everybody and that includes ourselves. There's a light inside of you hiding in your shadows and it will light your path that is just for you, even if you can't see it yet. That's why we're all here on this journey together.

[00:02:29] So, let's get uncomfortable. Let's get messy. And let's engage our hearts and our minds by asking some seriously deep questions. Let's shine our lights together and help others lost in this thunderstorm, we call life find their way to. The Naked Rain Experience is recorded at Rain Soundworks Recording Studio.

[00:02:49] Come with me now and let's reveal our universe of possibilities. I appreciate you.

[00:03:08] I tricked you. Yes, you, my dear darling, human listening to these words right now. I tricked you with my dazzling marketing. I manipulated you into listening to this show into going to my Facebook page. I have a specific target, a specific kind of person who I intend to ensnare. And if you pay attention, you'll hear my overall shtick.

[00:03:34] "There's a light inside of you and it will light your path. That is just for you, even if you can't see it yet." I say something like that before every mainline episode of the show. If you run over to my Facebook profile right now, you'll see my banner. And right now it says: "imagine your world free from the lonely dark, your path ahead and purpose clearly lit, your concealed self reveal to you, your whole self healed for you." Again, it's a trick. And when I opened up my coaching services and offer empowerment programs, I will use some variation of this, if not this exact messaging. "Why Stan," I hear you asking...  "Don't you believe in your message of spreading light throughout the world? What do you mean that this is a trick?"

[00:04:20] Yes. I wholeheartedly believe in my message. I actually believe that there is a light inside us all. We all have far more power than we can possibly imagine, not only to better our own lives, but the lives of everyone around us. But the trick is how I portray the dark. The dark is "lonely and scary", right? We all grew up with that judgment, that darkness is bad and lightness is good. The whole clash between good and evil. 

[00:04:52] My darling human... This is quite possibly the most important thing I'm going to say. So listen up.

[00:04:58] You've been lied to. You're being lied to. You've been conditioned to believe that there are parts of you that need to stay hidden or outright destroyed.

[00:05:08] We have all fell victim, continually perpetuating this toxic lie throughout the generations. It's this apparent imperative of the destroying our darkness, that's keeping each and every one of us from achieving our highest potential and our ability to experience our own innate fulfillment and joy. The truth is that the human experience is built upon the foundation of dualities and polarities.

[00:05:33] As much as we want to chase our light, our light cannot exist without the polarity of our dark. Our darkness gives us the tool and abilities that aid us in our directionality and the pursuit of our purpose. So, in my life where this manifests so heavily is in my recovering of being a people pleasing nice guy.

[00:05:53] I was taught at a very young age, that anger was bad and that if I showed my temper right, punished severely for it. So, I repressed my anger; and anger is perhaps our most powerful, dark emotion. So in that repression, me learning to consciously cut off access to my anger, it led me to become a passive observer in my own life experiences.

[00:06:15] I was cut off from the drive to move out of unhealthy situations, and towards my dreams.  I was cut off from being able to stand my ground, to hold any sort of boundary that I might have or want. I couldn't defend myself. If someone said I was garbage, I would agree. And then I just roll with it because I was unable to light the fire of anger, the fire of disagreement, the fire of rocking the boat for my own protection.

[00:06:41] And if I couldn't even protect myself, It was an absolute impossibility for me to protect anyone else. And that showed up in all of my relationships, my last relationship ending most painfully for me, because my partner and the family, we created didn't feel safe with a man who was unable to protect anyone, you know, anyone from the important challenges of life changing situations. I was absolutely willing to, and I tried my best, but how can you replace a flat tire without a jack to lift that car up in the air, so the wheel can be changed? I had lost my car jack a long time ago, and it took a while before my ex-lover saw this and moved into the arms of someone who had all of his tools in check.

[00:07:22] Did I get angry? Yes, I did. But the difference is that I had no control over it. It came out when IT felt like it. And it only did so when I felt the most wounded. I had let it build up to such critical toxic levels that the person who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with felt repelled by my "un-management", uncontrollability -- just the unhinged nature of this energy.

[00:07:47] Something had to change, and in spinning around, lost in my own negative, dark thoughts, I became, yeah... Lost. Perfect word, lost in that darkness. The same darkness I was told that I shouldn't have to begin with.

[00:08:05] And it's here that I touch on my messaging, my trickery of marketing. It is here, many people find themselves in because of the same sorts of generational conditioning of hiding and being ashamed of certain parts of ourselves. When you're lost in that darkness, it's overwhelming. And in order to really, and fully appreciate your lightness, and harness it for the world to see, your darkness must also be mastered.

[00:08:31] It can, and is, your ally.

[00:08:34] This is where men's coach James Bansbach comes in. You see, during my path towards mastering my darkness, we both happened to attend the same men's group meeting. I was steeped in my own pain. And I chose to undergo an anger releasing process in front of the entire group. James was there and he witnessed me, for the first time, achieving healthy and unresistant access to the power of my anger, control of my darkness and the very beginning of its mastery. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, we ran into each other again, in the same group. He recognized me to my own pleasant surprise. And as if ordained by the universe, he had his own process to undergo and I was honored to play a part in his own process, witnessing another man regain access to a lost part of himself.

[00:09:25] I don't believe in accidents or serendipity. I haven't told James this, but I am convinced that we have done this for each other before. If I ever do a past life regression and go back in time to previous lives, I am 100% sure that we have crossed paths before and help each other in such epic fashion. He is absolutely one of my soul connections. And I'm incredibly thankful that we ran into each other, again, helping each other ascend as we always do in each and every life. James is a men's coach and a powerful practitioner of hypnotherapy, the same exact thing I am on the path to step into. He ran me through a process last week that reminded me of just how powerful I can be when I step into my darkness.

[00:10:10] And he helped me regain something I lost a long time ago. He's the perfect person to go on this journey with today. And I'm thrilled to have him on the Naked Rain Experience. Welcome brother.

[00:10:21] James Bansbach: [00:10:21] My brother. Thank you for that. That was completely unexpected. And I realized, as you were speaking, that you're a Dream Weaver man.

[00:10:28] You are a Dream Weaver. That kind of name came to me a few months back and you are what I would like the definition of what a Dream Weaver is. You weave the webs of the world and, consciousness through your words, like it's an art and you're beautiful artists with that brother. I wasn't expecting no, not at all.

[00:10:48] This is not your regular podcast. 

[00:10:51] Stan Rain: [00:10:51] Thank you, man. And no, this is not your regular podcast. You know, I love to dive in deep because I feel that we don't do this enough. And especially nowadays, when, you know, we're all forced to look at ourselves, this is the time to go deep and see who is on the inside. And, you know, that's the other part of my messaging with the Naked Rain Experience.

[00:11:15] You got to take off the masks, take off the clothes that we put on that we pretend to be and find the real --  in my case -- the real Dream Weaver on the inside. 

[00:11:25] James Bansbach: [00:11:25] Yeah, man, you got me. I don't know about your viewers, but you got me under the spell. I'm ready to go, man. This is good. 

[00:11:31] Stan Rain: [00:11:31] That's so -- that's really funny. I'm a big believer in archetypes.

[00:11:35] James Bansbach: [00:11:35] Yeah, same here. 

[00:11:36] Stan Rain: [00:11:36] And I'm seeing where the archetypes of, you know, the King, Lover, Magician and Warrior appear in my life. And right now I get myself in the mood by actually donning, physically, that persona. So I have all of my jewelry, so I have my five light rings here. I have my dark rings here and I have my, a middle dark ring of balance coming in the next couple of weeks on my right hand. I also have a cuff that represents my darkness utilizing kind of like a BDSM thing. And on the other side, I have my light dragon and this is my "Magician" persona. The Dream Weaver, as you say. 

[00:12:17] James Bansbach: [00:12:17] Yeah, that's beautiful, man, this has been a huge topic of interest in me. And I've always kind of seen crystals as that. It's like, when I would walk around with crystals, I just loved them. I worked at the crystal shop, and like, I made crystal necklaces and it was just like, I couldn't get enough. But yet you realize that when you carry, like, I have my, this is my current crystal and this is like, this is kind of like keeps me grounded in the moment.

[00:12:41] Stan Rain: [00:12:41] Ah describe, describe the crystal. 

[00:12:43] James Bansbach: [00:12:43] Yeah, the crystal is, it's called septarian and it's kinda this, uh, honey yellow, orangish crystal. And it has a very interesting. Hm. Brown and dark brown rings in it. I dunno if I can describe it any better. This is a very interesting thing to describe, but I'll, I'll post a picture of it on my profile. 

[00:13:03] Stan Rain: [00:13:03] Yeah, yeah! Perfect.

[00:13:04] James Bansbach: [00:13:04] Septarian. Yeah man, I used to have, uh, my middle fingers. I had, um, a moon ring, a lunar ring and a solar ring. And that's kinda how I kept tracked in my masculine and feminine balances throughout the day. Like, okay. Am I in my solar masculine or lunar feminine? And how can I do that? So I completely understand the ring and the anchoring, those archetypes into your body and into your consciousness through objects. It's like one of the oldest practices ever. It's awesome. 

[00:13:31] Stan Rain: [00:13:31] Yeah, man, I really dig it. I, uh,  it really first came to me, um, because it, I just naturally started to do this a little bit, um, months, uh, like almost a year ago, hanging out with my friends and karaoke. And one guy said, Stan, don't take this the wrong way, but you look kinda like a magician and I'm like, "Oh! Cool! Abracadabra!"

[00:13:57] James Bansbach: [00:13:57] Little. Does he know! 

[00:13:59] Stan Rain: [00:13:59] Exactly like, wow. Okay. So I've been, I'm notoriously bad at doing this because I usually like to dive straight into the material, but I want my, uh, my listeners to, to know a little bit more about you. So tell me how you got into men's work and coaching and, uh, how that's really helped you in your journey in life.

[00:14:22] James Bansbach: [00:14:22] Yeah. So actually, um, what got me into men's work was actually my relationship about three years ago, I, uh, I met this woman and she completely turned my, life upside down and backwards and inside out and all the best ways.

[00:14:36] Stan Rain: [00:14:36] I can relate!

[00:14:36]James Bansbach: [00:14:36] Um, and the very first thing she got me was the book called The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida.

[00:14:44] Stan Rain: [00:14:44] Good read.

[00:14:44] James Bansbach: [00:14:44] I've never heard of men's work before that. It's an amazing book. Yeah. If anyone David Deida, go get it. It's like the first thing you need to read, if you want to talk about men's work, um. In my opinion, at least that's from my experience and the first thing I read.

[00:14:59] Stan Rain: [00:14:59] No disagreement here.

[00:15:00] James Bansbach: [00:15:00] You can have your own experience, but yeah, so, and, and every step of the way we just, uh, we were helping each other evolve and balance and this whole concept of twin flame and soul contracts and like stuff like that, I really feel a draw in that way to this woman.

[00:15:15] Um, and that's what it got me on my, my men's work and slowly but surely all the patterns, all the defenses, all the walls and... I mean, there's still more, there's always more, but, um, all those things started coming down. Sometimes it was really fucking ugly.

[00:15:30] Stan Rain: [00:15:30] Yeah.

[00:15:30] James Bansbach: [00:15:30] And sometimes it was really, really beautiful, you know? Um, but yeah, that's what started me and what I'm seeing more often, I really like the concept of archetypes as well and the hero's journey, especially. And I like to equate the masculine and feminine dynamics through the hero's journey. Like the man goes out into the dark forest, you know, and the dark forest is the feminine. So it's like this, we even talked about -- see? This is what I'm saying! Like we talked about this the other day!

[00:15:57] Stan Rain: [00:15:57] Yeah we did!

[00:15:57] James Bansbach: [00:15:57] But it's huge part of growth and evolution. We need to run into that, that dark forest. And a lot of times, sometimes from my experience, what I'm seeing is it happens in relationships. It's an unknown, it's a mystery and it's something that we need to create a relationship with to understand. Oof.

[00:16:15] So that's what got me into men's work, is my lady. Um, and now it's a mixture of everything that I've learned. Uh, I was a dance instructor for a few years, I'm learning about hypnosis and coaching, and all this other stuff. Um, so it's just new skills in the tool belt, and here I am stomping around in the forest with guys beating their chests, yelling with sticks. Like, that's where we're at right now. 

[00:16:40] Stan Rain: [00:16:40] Yeah. I saw the latest video that you did and I'm like, I need more, I need that in my life. I've never done that to really access my primal nature. 

[00:16:47] James Bansbach: [00:16:47] Yeah. It's ah -- you were talking about anger. It's... Once you can access that fire. 

[00:16:52] Stan Rain: [00:16:52] Yeah. 

[00:16:53] James Bansbach: [00:16:53] It's like it burns up all the bull -- BS. Can I, can I swear on this show? I just want to... Is that okay?

[00:16:57] Stan Rain: [00:16:57] Yes you can, thank you for asking!

[00:17:02] James Bansbach: [00:17:02] It's part of that... It's, you know, it's part of the social construct, you know, it's like taboo to say this, I do this and be this and well, fuck it. You know! 

[00:17:10] Stan Rain: [00:17:10] Dude, we're naked right now, man. So everything goes. Figuratively! 

[00:17:13] James Bansbach: [00:17:13] Naked Rain, man! Naked Rain!

[00:17:17] Stan Rain: [00:17:17] Super quick though, before we really, really dive in, I just want to say that I so totally relate to you of really having this elucidated to you, your path elucidated by a woman.

[00:17:31] That was my experience too. And even though that, uh, my relationship, um, has ended, there is so many gifts that I got from being in that, that so many things were revealed to me and all the work that I need to do that I never seen before. So, and I've said this before in previous shows, uh, I had to go through all of that in order for me to be in the path that I'm at right now.

[00:17:59] Otherwise I'd still be an unconscious man. I would still be just doing what society and, culture says that you need to be doing. And I wouldn't have ownership of any of the things that, that have run me. You know, I wouldn't feel this powerful, and I want that to lead into how important it is to own all your stuff.

[00:18:22] James Bansbach: [00:18:22] Mmm.  Oh, ho ho!

[00:18:24] Stan Rain: [00:18:24] You know, this was a talking point with, uh, not only in my relationship, we've had. Huge talks about light and dark, but also in a lot of other people who are, I see on a very similar path, and they like to call themselves, like, "light warriors" and, um, "light academies". And... And all of these things.

[00:18:49] I also look at some of the people who I've connected with. So for example, I have really good friends in the BDSM community and the way that they, a lot of them portray themselves as that they're masters and mistresses of the dark, and the light is kind of like, what are you, what kind of woo-woo shit is this? You know? But in my personal definition, when I connect with these people, these people have such... Some of the biggest hearts and some of the strongest light that I've ever seen. And I'm like, ah, you guys -- it doesn't mean what you think it means!  You know, they own certain aspects of themselves that a lot of us quote -- "normal people" -- unquote just refuse to own, you know?

[00:19:34] And then that's where I see like all the judgment is being slinging around, uh, the self hatred being slung around. And, and I'm kind of like opening the Pandora's box to talk about a lot of things, but...

[00:19:46] James Bansbach: [00:19:46] Why not?

[00:19:47] Stan Rain: [00:19:47] Why not? Indeed. So let's talk a little bit about that. What's -- what are your thoughts about, uh, embracing all of who we are?

[00:19:56] James Bansbach: [00:19:56] Yeah, man. Embracing it all. Um, yeah, I mean, this has been a big part of my own healing journey and a part of why I'm able to help people now is because, um, you know, you go through stuff. And the more stuff you go through, uh, the light and the dark becomes very apparent. Um, and the way I kinda liked to look at these things is metaphorically, because it's the same thing: yin and yang, masculine, feminine, light, dark... It's all like this, these polarities, right? These opposites.

[00:20:23] Um, but what I realize I was actually walking down the beach once and I was programming my mind. I was, like, with each and every step I come closer and closer to my center, and I was just walking down this beach. And as I was walking, I set that program in my, in my brain as a Magician. And I can feel, like, my presence growing to the point where I was like, I actually feel like I am totally completely in my center, walking down this beach and people were smiling at me.

[00:20:50] People were like, look like, it just felt, I felt like I owned the beach. Like I was the beach and the further I traveled, the deeper I went. And, uh, I realized in that moment that when I became perfectly masculine, or typically light, when I became perfectly masculine as a pillar of just individuality, I also at the same time had access to the feminine dimension because it's like in the middle, it's 50 50, but on the poles, it's all the same thing. It's a ball. So this concept of light and dark, man, walking down the beach, when I'm in my masculine, I'm also on my feminine and when a woman is truly in her feminine or in the quote-unquote "dark", like I said, you know, just typically seen as the feminine is this dark, this earthly, this, uh, you know, moist thing where the, the light or the, the masculine is kinda like the sky.

[00:21:45] That's how we typically look at it. Right? This etheric realm. Um, yeah, man, when you become either extreme, you have access to it all and then you become part of the whole. 

[00:21:55] Stan Rain: [00:21:55] That's beautiful. And, you actually just gave something to me because in this whole talk about embracing everything, light and dark, masculine and feminine... Right now, my biggest focus has been in really settling into all of my emotions, and really feeling into all of my states. And then I've kind of delineated all the different emotions into, you know, light and dark, you know? So you have sadness, anger, grief, fear all on the "dark" side. You have joy, happiness, uh, anticipation, uh, all those things on the "lights" side. I never considered on the, uh, in the feminine/masculine dynamic, which one is supposed to represent the light in which one is supposed to represent the dark. And, and I've always, uh, naturally thought of myself as seeing the masculine as the light and the feminine as the dark. Just kind of as my own thing, I didn't really didn't notice. I didn't know that that was the actual interpretation.

[00:22:59] James Bansbach: [00:22:59] Yeah. I would say that's just the most common interpretation. It's like the biggest --because it's all just a story, right. It's how we interpret the world. It's a map. So, you know, there are some, I have this book called the Ten Archetypes of Masculine Spirituality, and talks about all the -- 

[00:23:15] There's Father Sky, there's Father Earth... There's the Green Man, which is this earthly, uh, you know, creature that it's like, there's all these different -- the, the hunter-gatherer, there's all these different masculine archetypes that we don't have access to now a days because it's just the main narrative, that's it.

[00:23:30] School, all this stuff programs us. And then we just go down, go down that rabbit hole and we never get to understand that there's a whole different... Like there's a whole different world in this world. There's thousands of them, millions of them. I don't know sometimes -- and just for you, you know, and your listeners, sometimes I go off and I just... It's like this, uh. stream of thoughts and it just...

[00:23:52] Stan Rain: [00:23:52] Yeah!

[00:23:52]James Bansbach: [00:23:52] It just happens. So I try to tie things back and close loops, but sometimes I just, you know, I just go in and... 

[00:24:00] Stan Rain: [00:24:00] It's like that old, that old phrase, man. It is what it is.  Right now, we're going with the flow.  Of conversation and life. And I really feel that being too stringent and too -- and holding on to just the particular way of something "needs to be" you rob it of its most important, of the important-ness of the moment. You know, that's when the real gem shine, that's when we actually get something of value, versus "oh, it must look like this". Well, why? You know, I'm not worried about this being a polished product. I'm worried about this, uh, actually speaking and resonating to people just as it resonates and speaks to me.

[00:24:42] James Bansbach: [00:24:42] Beautiful. Me too, man. 

[00:24:44] Stan Rain: [00:24:44] I think this segues, though, perfectly into judgment. Why we, a lot of us get stuck in not embracing the dark, you know, like what that means, like the, the way that it showed shows up in my life. Like I said, in the introduction is that when we're told it's bad... We're told you shouldn't be experiencing this thing. It shouldn't be manifest. You know, it's like being, it's like being told, you know, no breathing, breathing's not allowed. You can't control it. You know, these qualities are going to come out. So when they do that's when it's like, "Oh no, I'm doing this thing. I'm a piece of shit. You know, I'm going to hide this. No, one's going to know."

[00:25:25] And then you start this whole snowball of lying to yourself. That no, you're not this particular way. Um, oh, I'm reading a book right now called The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford and this, uh, one of my brothers in the men's coach training recommended this book and it was perfectly timed because this is what we're talking about.

[00:25:53] She said that at this, at a particular point, she was so concerned about being perceived as  -- pardon my French, for those of you who may be offended, but -- a bitch. Her words. And she was challenged in saying, yeah, you know what? You are a bitch. And then all of a sudden she recoils and contracts, it's like, "Oh no, the thing that I fear the most in judging myself the most it is seen!"  And then the same person who challenged her said, "yeah. So what's so bad about it. Where are the times in your life that it really does help to be a bitch?" You know, that's her accessing her anger specifically.

[00:26:36] James Bansbach: [00:26:36] Yeah. What purpose is it serving? 

[00:26:38] Stan Rain: [00:26:38] Exactly. And she gave examples. You need service at a store and you're not being served or something. Does it help to be a little bit angry and a little bit loud out in order to get attention brought to you, so you can get the service that you want? Absolutely. If you judge yourself to be an asshole or a bitch, then you won't do that. And then you just let people walk all over. You that's been my experience. I didn't want to be the jerk-face, you know, that rock the boat, you know, or, uh, who was, uh, disagreeable, or selfish. 

[00:27:17] That... Selfishness, that's a big one for me. I didn't want to seem selfish. You know, I was accused in my last relationship of being selfish, and in my men's coach training, no one has accused me of it. But... I backed away because I'm trying to be cognizant of all my behaviors and I'm like, "Oh wow. I kind of feel that I take up a lot of space." Um, I asked for a lot of things when I connect, when I do a connect call with my brothers, sometimes I feel like I talk about me more than I talk about them.

[00:27:48] Maybe I am selfish. Okay. Maybe that's manifesting because I haven't given to myself all this time. And so when you deny yourself of your needs, you unconsciously start to try to take wherever it can to balance that out naturally and unconsciously, you know? That's, that's the power of fricking judgment, man. Because like now, now that like I --

[00:28:11] Whoops, bumped my mic... Now that I began to really accept that selfishness, I find myself to be more giving. Like, I need to take less from people, you know? So what are your thoughts about, uh, and your feelings and experiences with this judgment, just holding people well back?

[00:28:30] James Bansbach: [00:28:30] Yeah. Can I speak to what you were just sharing first?

[00:28:33] Stan Rain: [00:28:33] Absolutely Please!

[00:28:34] James Bansbach: [00:28:34] Yeah, man. Um, Hmm. Not going to lie. We can edit that out. My brain completely went blank.

[00:28:41] Stan Rain: [00:28:41] No problem. 

[00:28:42] James Bansbach: [00:28:42] It's like walking into a room, kind of -- shit. Like, when you move through a door and you're in a different space, you forget what was happening. It's like, once you ask that question, my brain went into trying to answer the question and completely dumped what was going on beforehand. You know what I mean?

[00:28:55] Stan Rain: [00:28:55] No problem, man!  What do you need in this moment? 

[00:28:58] James Bansbach: [00:28:58] I'm starting to feel a bit of anxiety. That's all. So. That's all, man. I'm just, I just need to take a deep breath. Okay. And it's so interesting. This concept of judgment, too. That's what we're talking about. Okay.

[00:29:07] Stan Rain: [00:29:07] Yeah. You know what? I think this is perfect. And trust me, let's both take a nice deep breath together.

[00:29:20] James Bansbach: [00:29:20] You know what it is? I'm not in control here. That's what it is. It's like, when I'm doing something like when, I'm hosting a podcast, it's like, it's my flow. I know I can kind of guide the questions and I know the feel of it, but when I'm, it's like, I'm in your space and your flow and it's, it's quite a bit different.

[00:29:37] So there's like, um, I think that's where the anxiety is coming. It's like, yeah, that's all. Once again, I that's what I was gonna say. I was gonna say that I feel... Fuck. Yeah, bro!

[00:29:51] I was going to say that I feel you're an external processor. Like I am. Have you ever heard of external processing?

[00:29:56] Stan Rain: [00:29:56] External processing... uh, I I've touched on it. Uh, but tell me more. 

[00:30:00] James Bansbach: [00:30:00] Yeah, man, this concept of external processing and selfishness. Perfect. We jumped right back on track. Yes, this concept of selfishness, right. Um, taking up time when you conversate, say I find that I have that trait as well. I talk about myself a lot. And the first thing that, uh, I asked my friend in high school, why is it that no one likes me? I actually asked a friend of that, uh, in high school. And he said, it's cause you talk too much. . And so it's like I was aware of, I always talk about myself. It's a need for attention. It's a need for, because like you said, those early needs didn't get met. And it's like, once we actually can get that attention, and also give it to ourselves, that's when it starts shifting and changing, bro.

[00:30:45] Now, like you said, you can use it to your... uh, for your coaching. You can relate your own stories. And I think that's one of your greatest attributes. You really are vulnerable and relate your own stories to the topic at hand. And it makes you a real human being.

[00:30:59] You know what I mean? Like that's what... Because you've dived into the darkness, because you've gone to those depths where, quite frankly, a lot of people aren't willing to go -- because they're willing to do that work and break down the defenses and get into difficult relationships and actually want to grow, because of that darkness, you have more light to share and it's like now, okay, this is a...  A mechanism.

[00:31:23] I'm an external processor. When you talk about yourself, you're actually learning about yourself! Some people journal, some people are introverted and they just, they just go on their minds and they think. And I feel like you're more like me as an external processor. So when we talk to someone, we actually understand what we're trying to say in a deeper way.

[00:31:41] Stan Rain: [00:31:41] Dude... I...

[00:31:42] James Bansbach: [00:31:42] Does that resonate with you? 

[00:31:45] Stan Rain: [00:31:45] See, this is why I have you on the show. 

[00:31:48] James Bansbach: [00:31:48] We're soul brothers, man! 

[00:31:49] Stan Rain: [00:31:49] Yeah. This is why we're soul brothers! Um, yeah, I, this is what an epiphany looks like for me right now. Uh, I... It's... It... I have to effort so hard to write stuff down in journals. You know, it's required in the men's coach training, and even though it's required, I haven't done nearly enough of it. Um, ahem, ahem -- Allan, if you're listening...

[00:32:18] James Bansbach: [00:32:18] I've been there, I've been there. 

[00:32:18] Stan Rain: [00:32:18] Sorry.

[00:32:19] James Bansbach: [00:32:19] It's okay. 

[00:32:19] Stan Rain: [00:32:19] Um, but yeah, I've had. I've had the biggest discoveries in just verbally talking about my experiences and really actively going into my feelings as I'm talking. Those have been my, like, my biggest, my biggest moments and stick with me.

[00:32:40] Like I don't, I don't find that I know need to put it onto paper in order for that realization to stick with me. Although I do have a morning practice that does involve, um, a journal that it's -- it's structure. I, I stick to that because I desire to stick to something kind of structure.

[00:32:59] James Bansbach: [00:32:59] Yeah.

[00:33:00] Stan Rain: [00:33:00] But in the whole picking-apart and figuring stuff out and going deep. Yeah, that resonates. I very much am an external processor. Kind of like looking at myself from the outside in and... Ah!

[00:33:14] James Bansbach: [00:33:14] Yeah, it's a super power, bro. It's a super power, but it makes you, it makes people think you're selfish because you're always talking about you. Really, you're just trying to discover the keys to the universe.

[00:33:21] Like let's just call it what it is. "Look, I'm just trying to figure out my own shit!" And that's where this concept of light and dark and boundaries comes up too. That might be a good segue. I don't know if that's a question, but...

[00:33:30] Stan Rain: [00:33:30] Yeah!

[00:33:31] James Bansbach: [00:33:31] This concept of, okay. I know this about myself. And like when I'm in coaching mode right now, we're just chatting. We're having a good time. But when I'm in a coaching mode, I know how -- because I'm aware of it, because that darkness, that thing that could take over a conversation -- because I know about it and I've worked with it and I've broken some of the patterns, I can literally set that to the side in my entire conversation is a question, you know what I mean?

[00:33:52] And with little anecdotes or things sprinkled in there, but... When you get to that certain space within yourself where you've done enough work and you have the tools, um, you can then set those things to the side of those character traits, like talking too much, or, you know, these, these, like you said, the things we say are negative, right?

[00:34:12] Some people like prefer not to talk at all. Like really, they're just introverted and that's perfectly fine. We don't say anything about that. Right?

[00:34:19] Stan Rain: [00:34:19] Yeah.

[00:34:19] James Bansbach: [00:34:19] So it's like these light and darks, everything has a polarity and a balance, bro, everything, man.

[00:34:24] Stan Rain: [00:34:24] I agree completely.

[00:34:25] James Bansbach: [00:34:25] All the yins, all the yangs!

[00:34:26] Stan Rain: [00:34:26] And I love what you just said there, that there are just some people who don't talk. Let's stop the judgment of... "Why, why don't you talk more about yourself? Why are you such an introvert?" That loaded word? It's like, yeah. I'm, I'm an introvert. Let me own that. Damn right. I'm an introvert.

[00:34:45] James Bansbach: [00:34:45] Let me own it. Own all of it. 

[00:34:47] Stan Rain: [00:34:47] Yeah. That's when you become your most powerful, when...

[00:34:50] James Bansbach: [00:34:50] Hell yeah.

[00:34:50] Stan Rain: [00:34:50] You find everything about yourself and you can go ahead, back into your old programming and say, what's good and what's bad. When you... Own it. And then you find how every, not only the good qualities, of course, but the bad qualities, the judgment of bad. When you reframe that shift and you say, how does this bad thing serve me? How has it been serving me? What good can it do for me? 

[00:35:15] James Bansbach: [00:35:15] You own it and reframe it. You own it and reframe it.

[00:35:18] Stan Rain: [00:35:18] Own it and reframe it. Bingo. You know...

[00:35:21] James Bansbach: [00:35:21] That's it.

[00:35:21] Stan Rain: [00:35:21] When you get rid of the concept of this is "good" and this is "bad". And for me, the light and the dark helps tremendously, because then I can just say the things that I judge as good: light. The things that I judge as bad: dark. Okay. I kind of take that stigma and the sting away from those qualities that I used to deem as undesirable. And more and more, what I'm finding is that everything in my experience has been really useful!

[00:35:49] Last night. Um, I'm talking with a friend and she's having a problem. Okay. And I'm holding space and allowing her just to be in her feelings. I'm, my every intention was just to be there. Be the mountain, be the, the stability that she needs in this moment. Right now. This is not about you. This is about her. And all of my attentions, all the work that I've been doing, uh, like I'm feeling the difference of what I'm able to give someone. And to help them through something than before, because before I would be commiserating, I would be, um probably making it all about me, you know, that sort of thing in some ways, somehow. But I felt powerful in that moment because I'm utilizing all of those tools, you know, like the, uh, I would, I would judge myself or as being uncaring or unsympathetic, whereas... Maybe you can interpret it that way, but what I'm actually doing is being stable. And having a stable state so that she can experience what she needs to experience and then come back to that stability. So that's just one example with how...

[00:36:59] James Bansbach: [00:36:59] Yeah, you're creating a container.

[00:37:01] Stan Rain: [00:37:01] Yeah, exactly creating a container. And what we're talking about when we say container, we're talking about a general, a general sphere of safety. Between two people or between multiple people where there's this -- I interpret what I feel is a spiritual, energetic, and mental agreement of "we're here. We're connecting and it's safe to be open and vulnerable. And nothing that comes up will be used against you," to take that element of fear out of it. 

[00:37:31] So when we say container, this is what we mean. 

[00:37:34] James Bansbach: [00:37:34] Yeah, man. And, um, you know, going off on the heroes journey and archetypes, uh it's... Uh, the container, the liminal space, you know, uh, even when I was doing and, and the human mind understands that symbols and symbology, right? So it also understands energetics and emotions.

[00:37:50] And I realized from a very early age that people opened up to me a lot and about really dark stuff and like emotions. And that was just a natural thing. And you were sharing, that was the same thing for you, too. People come for advice and you can just feel them. Um, what I realized in some of my training is, and it's like, once you come in, see yourself, once you have state control, once you can control your emotional state, you can literally blast that --  you can amplify it out into a space with your mind and with your, with your focus and attention. So it's like if you can create a sensation and a feeling of safety, if you know safety well within yourself, then you can create literally a sphere. Like you said, of safety and people will naturally fall into that pattern as states sync up.

[00:38:38] It's, I mean, it's just what happens. I'm a dancer. So like I used to... Like, you know, breathe with people and for whole songs and just sync up to another person. And you can literally jump into a whole new dimension where the room falls away. You don't even understand or recognize whether I'm leading the dance or following it because you're so in tune with each other, it just happens.

[00:39:02] Stan Rain: [00:39:02] Yeah.

[00:39:02] James Bansbach: [00:39:02] Like those are the states that people talk about in meditation, of oneness. It's like, it's just a moving form of it. Um, there's so many different ways to come into presence, but yeah, that was a little tangent. 

[00:39:15] Stan Rain: [00:39:15] That's a, that's a fucking beautiful tangent. And for me, that's that's relationship goals right there.

[00:39:22] When...

[00:39:23] James Bansbach: [00:39:23] Yeah man.

[00:39:23] Stan Rain: [00:39:23] You find someone who you essentially become one with in that particular way, you know, when you connect on that energy -- energetic level, that soul level, that physical level, and when you're making love and you quite literally become one. It's, it shows up in just about every aspect of life and connections.

[00:39:42] Uh, no, that's a beautiful, I love that tangent, man. 

[00:39:45] James Bansbach: [00:39:45] We all, desire to be one in a relationship, right? And this is, you know, me, me mixing a little bit of David Deida wisdom with my own kind of experience and concepts. It was like, we want to be completely unionized with our, with our counterpart, with our love, with our soulmate, whatever you want to call it. Right? But then, we come to the middle and we're here and there's, there's no movement, there's no emotion. When we think of relationships, we have to think of dynamics and like a battery and a flow of energy. So if we're both in the middle, there's not, nothing's moving. It's stillness. It's oneness, it's balanced. It's peace.

[00:40:18] But peace, man. That's not, that's not...  When you think about sexual energy, do you think of like peace and stillness? You're thinking like, "Ooh. Like come over here!" You know like it's that it's that movement between...

[00:40:32] Stan Rain: [00:40:32] Yes...

[00:40:33] James Bansbach: [00:40:33] The poles, the masculine and feminine that creates that attraction. But a lot of people just come into this well we're... We're partners and everything. We don't actually have anything where we can stand separate to create that energy. Everything comes here. You're the mom and dad, you're the house owner, you're business partners now because people are going in business with each other, like...  You're all these things and they're all the same thing and it's balanced and equal, but where's the, where's the space for the  dance moves?

[00:41:02] Stan Rain: [00:41:02] Where's the movement?

[00:41:03] The 

[00:41:03] James Bansbach: [00:41:03] space for the movement, between that, you know? Yeah. So I was just saying like, yes, we want to become one, but we also want to become individuals that can choose to become one, too. You know what I mean?

[00:41:15] Stan Rain: [00:41:15] One hundred percent and Deida in his book, he talks about the dance. Just, as you said, between the masculine and the feminine, there has to be that dance, that movement of energies in order to create that tension. All right. Because just that tension, that movement of energy that creates that energy of attraction in both people, because yeah once...

[00:41:38] James Bansbach: [00:41:38] And everything in existence.

[00:41:41] Stan Rain: [00:41:41] Yes. Yeah, and so... 

[00:41:43] James Bansbach: [00:41:43] It's everything! You hear birds calling it's cause they're, they're... They're duking it out and they're, they're playing with the masculine and feminine energy man. It's all mating! It's all sexual energy. 

[00:41:53] Stan Rain: [00:41:53] That's why they call the birds and the bees man!

[00:41:56] In Stan's world; in Stan's take on what balance means... Balanced means knowing and feeling when it's appropriate to become one. And when it's appropriate to do the dance. And to move the energy. Both are needed; both are desired. And it's the imbalance of only wanting that oneness...

[00:42:19] James Bansbach: [00:42:19] Mmhmm.

[00:42:20] Stan Rain: [00:42:20] That elicits the problem that, that you're talking about in which that there, the movement stops. And then you have couples who've been married for a long time and then the sex goes away. And then they're wondering why, because they do love each other.  You know?

[00:42:33] James Bansbach: [00:42:33] People are so worried. Yeah. 

[00:42:36] Stan Rain: [00:42:36] In these marriages, they still love each other. But there's that imbalance of knowing how to move the energy around; that imbalance of knowing when to become individuals versus becoming the one. That that's, that's going to be a whole other podcast. I, it was awesome that we're touching on it right now. 

[00:42:58] James Bansbach: [00:42:58] Can I touch on it at well? Just my little...

[00:43:00] Stan Rain: [00:43:00] Keep touching! Keep molesting it, go ahead!

[00:43:03] James Bansbach: [00:43:03] Me touch really goes both sides! I like the touchies! Um... Yeah, man. And also not just the one, like that's the one dynamic, right? Within a relationship it's balancing the oneness with the separate, like pillars, columns, being able to hold up things. Um, they're a little bit bigger than if you're just in one column. Um, but it's also about the flow of energy when it comes to communication, because a lot of people have these blocks and these fears and these things within them that are like, well, I can't actually be seen because then they won't love me actually be in this emotion. And then, because it triggers their emotion and then I get triggered because you're triggered and... Like, this is what a relationship is. People don't know, people, people assume that it's supposed to be hot, passionate, sweaty sex all the fucking time. And because that's what Hollywood says.

[00:43:50] Stan Rain: [00:43:50] Yep.

[00:43:50] James Bansbach: [00:43:50] That's that's our program.

[00:43:52] Stan Rain: [00:43:52] That's another lie.

[00:43:52] James Bansbach: [00:43:52] What happens is the honeymoon phase wears off. That's another lie. The honeymoon phase wears off. And then who the fuck are we? We got to spend the rest of this time together. The sex is gonna go down. Like it's not to say you can't spice things up and dance and do this stuff, but it's never going to be the same. Right?

[00:44:11] Stan Rain: [00:44:11] Sure.

[00:44:11] James Bansbach: [00:44:11] But once you start to know someone on such a deep level and you guys are both willing to go through whatever the hell it takes. And I'm like, that's your commitment? That's your desire not, and both of you are able to keep that because every moment in time is a new decision.

[00:44:26] I actually have a book for you. It's called the. Uh, and I believe it's, um, I have the book: Uncommon Bond. I need to remember the name. Um, but it's about this really fiery, sexy, crazy, like soul-level connection. Uh, when they were young, but then all the triggers came out and all, and they just had, they, they left for like 40 years and they went on their own like spiritual journey and whatever, and releasing, and they knew they'd never get over that. And then they come back together when they're in like their fifties and sixties.

[00:44:59] Stan Rain: [00:44:59] Wow!

[00:45:00] James Bansbach: [00:45:00] Now it's like, they understand who they are, can actually share time together because they had such a crazy background. So it's like, We look at things on a time scale of like months. Maybe... Maybe if you're really good at it, you can look out years and get a good picture. But a lot of people aren't good at that, myself included, but when you look at life on a grand cycler level, like even within your, your life... Man, there's so many things and ups and downs and extreme opposite, extreme downs. And it's all just this weird, funny... You know, tracking pattern.

[00:45:34] Um, but yeah, man relationships, if you want to be in a serious relationship, man, get ready, get ready for the fires.  Whoop whoop! That's all I have to say. 

[00:45:45] Stan Rain: [00:45:45] Well, I just to go back just a little bit though, into what you said about communication...

[00:45:50] James Bansbach: [00:45:50] Yeah...

[00:45:51] Stan Rain: [00:45:51] That's where -- and here's me connecting the dots a little bit here...

[00:45:54] James Bansbach: [00:45:54] Connect all the dots. 

[00:45:56] Stan Rain: [00:45:56] That's where if you're not connected with your darkness in order to stand firm into holding those uncomfortable discussions, that leads to, that leads to a "awry-ness"... That leads to... That leads to the breakdown. You know, that's one importance right there with completely owning everything of who you are, the light and the dark, it needs, it needs to be shown and it needs to be seen. 

[00:46:19] James Bansbach: [00:46:19] And that's where the healing comes in, too.

[00:46:22] Stan Rain: [00:46:22] Mmmm....

[00:46:22] James Bansbach: [00:46:22] When it can actually be seen, especially by someone who cares about you.

[00:46:25] Yeah. We're so afraid of being seen, but we want it so much, but, like we're dying inside. Like we like our life isn't worth anything because we're not being seen. But then when someone wants to see us, we kick them or we push them away or we run away or like, we want this thing, but we're so afraid that if we have the answer that we won't be enough or we won't be worthy of love.

[00:46:46] Stan Rain: [00:46:46] Yeah. 

[00:46:47] James Bansbach: [00:46:47] Right. So when we can start recognizing...

[00:46:50] Stan Rain: [00:46:50] Oh man... Dude, you're speaking to me right now...

[00:46:51] James Bansbach: [00:46:51] When you start recognizing, yeah. Everyone  feel it, everyone feels it. Everyone feels that, um, "I'm not enough" is the biggest thing. Um, and that is... You can have these, uh, relationships and strong, tough, challenging bonds with your men, with the men's circles, and you can, like, dig into like ooh, yeah! Childhood stuff, ooh! Uhh! And it's like, that's where you get challenged. 

[00:47:13] But there's a much deeper and a much, um... A much deeper, a much different bond between you and a significant other. 

[00:47:22] Stan Rain: [00:47:22] Yeah.

[00:47:23] James Bansbach: [00:47:23] You know what I mean? Like you can go to your guys and throw out some stuff and they can burn it up. They can, they can take it.

[00:47:28] Stan Rain: [00:47:28] Yeah.

[00:47:28] James Bansbach: [00:47:28] But when you go to like your deepest, deepest, deepest stuff, you gotta have a strong woman, and a woman has to have a strong man, if you guys really want to do some, some work together.

[00:47:38] Stan Rain: [00:47:38] Yeah.

[00:47:39] James Bansbach: [00:47:39] And I think that now, in today's world, this is what's being called for is like really, really strong individuals coming in to relationship with each other and numerous... There's countless ways to be in relationship with someone even this, this me and you having this conversation and being soul brothers. That's a relationship.

[00:47:57] Stan Rain: [00:47:57] Yeah.

[00:47:57] James Bansbach: [00:47:57] Right. We think we only have one relationship we don't. Um, but yeah, bringing that all in with the light and darkness, man. If you can't deal with your own darkness, you can only go as deep as someone else as you've gone with yourself, because once their stuff starts triggering you, you can no longer hold that container safely.

[00:48:14] You're, you're pouring in... You're cracking in that stuff. So if you don't take care of your darkness, if you don't sweep out the cobwebs and at least shine a light on it and understand it to an extent. You won't be able to understand people in their experience and you, as a coach, coming into it, you know, like I've experienced you already, just your presence, your ability to hold space. When I was going through my emotional thing, that was super powerful. And all you had to, you didn't have to do anything. You just stayed with me. That's it. Anybody out there is listening. Just be with someone you don't have to fix shit. People just want to be seen, heard. validated understood. If you can give them that you're going to be in the top 1% of their human beings that they call friends. The top 1%. If you can actually do that for someone. 

[00:48:58] Stan Rain: [00:48:58] I... I say this a lot with you. I agree completely.

[00:49:03] James Bansbach: [00:49:03] That's fine.

[00:49:05] Stan Rain: [00:49:05] It's being able to do this work... Has literally changed the way that I connect with, not only my existing friends, but how it connect with brand new people. And um...

[00:49:17] James Bansbach: [00:49:17] Everyone.

[00:49:18] Stan Rain: [00:49:18] I talked to a lot of, I talked a little bit about this in the last show, but in just like meeting new people, now it's a whole different level. Because I've all, I've always been, felt awkward and weird. And when I, when someone new comes into play, but then I kind of figure it out, because I'm ... I'm very intuitive. And I get, I finally get to a place eventually in that weird, awkward conversation that my intuition kicks in and you're like, no, you're fine. You're good. Just roll with it. And then suddenly we can, you know, we both opened up and we connect.  Now... It's just like from the get go, uh, you talk about state control and presence -- right away. You can just putting someone at ease and actually, genuinely wanting to get to know this person. It's dude, it's like fucking night and day. It's amazing!

[00:50:06] James Bansbach: [00:50:06] Yeah. Cause we're in the light right now. Can I share the dark side of that?

[00:50:10] Stan Rain: [00:50:10] Yes! Yes!!

[00:50:11] James Bansbach: [00:50:11] And I like the dark, so, I'm just gonna.... We were saying that, right? Like I was saying that to you the other day. I love the darkness.

[00:50:16] Stan Rain: [00:50:16] Mmhmm. Yeah.

[00:50:17] James Bansbach: [00:50:17] It was really comfortable for me. Sadness, depression, pain. Like seeing people cry, I actually enjoy seeing people cry. Like it's, I don't know. Call it a kink, man! It's not like a sexual thing, but it's like...

[00:50:27] Stan Rain: [00:50:27] No, no, no, no. You're not weird!

[00:50:28] James Bansbach: [00:50:28] It's so fulfilling. 

[00:50:29] Stan Rain: [00:50:29] Yeah. I feel, I feel it too! 

[00:50:31] James Bansbach: [00:50:31] You know, something healing is taking place!

[00:50:33] Stan Rain: [00:50:33] Yes. You took the words right out of my mouth.

[00:50:35] James Bansbach: [00:50:35] Yeah! No worries, man. Um, yeah. So uh...

[00:50:39] Stan Rain: [00:50:39] A healing taking place...

[00:50:40] James Bansbach: [00:50:40] Where were we going? The um... Yeah, the darkness of being able to instantly, to keep your state. Because what happens, the way I like to see it is, uh, the metaphor I use for a lot of my clients is. We stuff all this stuff on our closet, right. And we try a lot of people, try and keep a nice little house, you know, tidy for when people come over and they can see, "Oh yeah, all my stuff's put together", but we all have a fucking closet or we all have a basement.

[00:51:06] And that's where we've thrown all our stuff for 30 years and it's festering and boiling and it's all that anger, regression and all that stuff. We've oppressed. Um, you can't put anything new in there until you get out the old stuff. 

[00:51:19] Stan Rain: [00:51:19] Mmm, mmhmm.

[00:51:20] James Bansbach: [00:51:20] You can't buy a new sofa if your sofa's rotting, and it's sitting in the thing, you can't just move the new one in, you have to take the old one out first and then you can bring in something new.

[00:51:28] Stan Rain: [00:51:28] Yeah.

[00:51:28] James Bansbach: [00:51:28] But a lot of people are trying to buy all this new shit. They're trying to get all their, uh, Oh yeah, the light. Oh yeah, you know, it's all. Uh, Oh yeah. I know how to talk to my brain and it's really cool. But then they still have this closet that's festering. So the dark side of having that space, you have more room for light and it's more open.

[00:51:46] It's expansive, but what can happen, especially for empaths... is because you know the darkness and you can make space for people. People will just naturally it's, it's a vacuum. You draw in the people that need to unpack. And that's not a bad thing in and of itself, but if you're not aware of that, especially as an empathetic person, that's yourself, whereas myself and we've done the work then, well, we can have people, unpacking all their stuff in our space that we're creating and we keep it.

[00:52:13] It's like, Oh yeah, I really needed to get that off my chest. Thanks. And I'm sitting over here with it. So that's kind of the, like, I used to work at Metro PCS and I had these two girls come in one time we were just shooting the, you know, we were just talking two hours, go by. And they're like talking about like, uh, child abuse, like sexual abuse when they were young at the mall.

[00:52:32] And it's just a conversation. That's the kind of people that come in when people can hold space. Like I said, it's not, it's not bad. But it's, it's that dark aspect. If people can't understand and can't see and be aware of, it gets a lot of empaths, and people can feel and make space, in trouble because they're taking on everyone's stuff, trying to fix it.

[00:52:53] And that doesn't... Doesn't work? You know when... Can't... Fix no one.  Can't save no one.

[00:53:00] Stan Rain: [00:53:00] Yeah, you're right. You, you... It's not even your responsibility to fix anybody.

[00:53:07] James Bansbach: [00:53:07] Nope.

[00:53:07] Stan Rain: [00:53:07] And this was a realization that I had to come to in analyzing and evaluating my motives for getting into the coaching space. What is my intention? What do I want for myself and for people?

[00:53:23] Yeah, I had a fear. That I was being selfish in some way. In this, in this way that it kind of showed up. I was fearing, am I, am I doing this, because I want to be the hero? Am I doing it this because I want to fix the person?

[00:53:39] James Bansbach: [00:53:39] Be that archetype...

[00:53:39] Stan Rain: [00:53:39] Fix all the people and be the person responsible for all of that. And just be like, Oh yeah, you know, now you owe me something because, uh, cause I fixed you and... You all, can't see me, but I'm doing like a victory pose here. And I was, I was kind of afraid that, that, um, was that an inner intention? I don't, I don't think because I genuinely care about people and I want people to get better, but the more I really explored, and the more practice that I've done, um, the more of myself that I own and the more of my closet that I've been clearing --  no, it's almost like subconsciously... I've always known that this is my path.

[00:54:27] James Bansbach: [00:54:27] Yeah.

[00:54:27] Stan Rain: [00:54:27] And it might not even be my path to choose. This might've been my path that I chose, you know, in choosing what I wanted to do in this lifetime. Like, okay, I'm going to put myself in this situation. So I'm going to dive into... dive my soul into this body. And then now we're going, you're going to have your earth school curriculum here.

[00:54:46] Yeah. And when I got rid of that, need that I have to fix that this person -- got rid of that and said, no, that's their responsibility. What I can do: clean out my fucking closet, have the ability to hold space for them, and then they can fix themselves and heal themselves. And then I can just be kind of like the guide of like, okay, nope, just nudge them over this direction and maybe nudge them over that direction to help them have a powerful experience.

[00:55:13] And then what I get out of it, it's not the thank you. It's not the, Oh God, you saved my, you saved me or this or that. It's... When I see them cry and they're having that active experience of them healing themselves. And I feel like the world is healing in that moment when someone else is doing that particular work.

[00:55:36] And it is very self rewarding. Like it is cool to feel that yeah, you have had a hand in that and just being there to hold the space, but they did the work. And that's incredibly rewarding to see somebody else standing in their power, especially when you were in that position, you know, when you went through the same things that they were going through.

[00:55:59] And I just wanted to speak, speak to that, you know, and, uh, to any empath out there...

[00:56:06] James Bansbach: [00:56:06] Yeah makes total sense.

[00:56:07] Stan Rain: [00:56:07] Who, uh, if you're in, if you're in this realm, if you're doing psychotherapy...

[00:56:13] Oh man, my, uh, my darling ex... She's... Massively empathic, like super deep empath. And she does psychotherapy. It's absolutely not easy for her. And I see that and I feel that in her.

[00:56:27] James Bansbach: [00:56:27] She needs tools, man.

[00:56:28] Stan Rain: [00:56:28] She has a lot of tools, more than she gives herself credit for. Yeah. She asked me one time... Because she saw me starting to get onto the path and she asked, she asked me like how I would be able to shield myself from so much negativity. Because at that particular time, I didn't really, I didn't understand it, then. I understand it fully now. She was taking people's crap in that, in her own closet and keeping it, and I didn't have the tools then to tell her, well, you need to clean out that closet and here's how you. You know, you hold space for someone, but then you put that stuff down. You give it right back to them for them to deal with, you know, it's that was, um, that, wow.

[00:57:12] Okay. That's a little bit of a tangent there. 

[00:57:14] James Bansbach: [00:57:14] That's all right. So I actually, I used to do the same things and I feel like you've probably done the same thing and the metaphor that I like to use for that is when we're younger and our parents aren't able to actually give us, meet our needs. Right. I need this for attention or need for love or need for um, significance, you know, just these things that we need to be a healthy, balanced human being, but they can't give us that. And then even worse, some parents ask subconsciously and energetically for their kids to handle their own stuff. 

[00:57:39] Stan Rain: [00:57:39] Mmmhmm.

[00:57:41] James Bansbach: [00:57:41] So what happens is us empaths. I feel like it's a defense mechanism and it's actually like an adaptation. It's because you have to be so in tune with your parents, because they're literally asking to hold the lightening rod and ground them.

[00:57:53] And the way they put it in the book, I think it's Iron John. He said, you create copper children, children who don't have a very strong energy of their own. They don't have a very strong personal sense of who they are because energy's always running through them to, to ground. It. It's like the parents will yell at you and you, you deal with that.

[00:58:10] Or the parents asked you to be this, like, they ask things of view that shouldn't be asked, I'm a child because they all needs aren't being met. And then you grow up thinking that. In order to be loved in order to be significant in order to get attention. I need to take when I, as soon as I take your stuff, as soon as I let you feel better, now, you can love me.

[00:58:27] Now you can give me what I need. So it's like this attempt to try and save someone else to save yourself. And I was feeling that with the coaching thing that you were just saying, it's like, I want to help people. Because I know how shitty it feels. And I wish someone helped me. Right. Like, that's the, but like I said, once you become aware of that, it no longer becomes about you because you already know what it feels like to feel free.

[00:58:49] Yeah. I know what it feels like. Um, To feel safe. You know, what it feels like to feel love because you're starting to give that to yourself.

[00:58:56] Stan Rain: [00:58:56] Yeah.

[00:58:57] James Bansbach: [00:58:57] And when you started to give that to yourself, I look at my coaching clients as reflections, every coaching client that comes to me has literally it's, it's like they are, uh, like a characterized version of something that I do.

[00:59:10] And it's a complete thing. It's like when I'm helping them through something, I'm taking my own advice and programming myself was like, Oh, I never even saw that aspect of me, but now it's so stand out-ey, when we're coaches, bro, we are actually asked to do way more work than the normal person is just gonna go about their day. And you know, maybe isn't working with other people, but when we are in this, I think sacred act of service, helping people through their shit from light to dark, like you said, connecting those dots. Bro, we have to be, uh, in, in even more alignment and integrity. And it's tough because we're fucking people too.

[00:59:46] Stan Rain: [00:59:46] Yeah. 

[00:59:47] James Bansbach: [00:59:47] I want to eat really well. And then sometimes I've need ice cream, you know, it's okay to be human too, and still do this work and you don't have to be perfect, but you do have to have some kind of level of. Uh, self-work and integration. And like, you're doing that right now with the Men's Wisdom Work.

[01:00:04] I've done it with other things and we're always still gonna progress. And I feel like it's a super sacred journey for me and you to be going on. And if anyone is interested in coaching services or anything like that, both of us, I would recommend. I mean, obviously I'm tooting our own horns right now, but, um, I'm only doing this because I went through hypnotherapy and shit drastically changed in like two weeks.

[01:00:29] So I know the power of it. I've been through it. And, um, Yeah, I'm not saying I'm a hypnotherapist at the moment certified, but me and you both understand the mind and a psychology.

[01:00:41] So -- hoo!  Do the work, invest in yourself if you're listening to this because it's the best investment you'll ever make, especially in this chaotic time that we are in.

[01:00:50] Stan Rain: [01:00:50] And okay... I'm going to figure out how we're going to wrap everything up here because... um, this might, this episode might be a little bit on the long side.

[01:00:59] James Bansbach: [01:00:59] We can talk forever. 

[01:01:01] Stan Rain: [01:01:01] We, yeah, we can. So, so much that I...

[01:01:04] James Bansbach: [01:01:04] So much!

[01:01:05] Stan Rain: [01:01:05] Can get into and I want to get into, but you touched on a couple of things here that I feel are very important just to...

[01:01:11] James Bansbach: [01:01:11] Bring them all together.

[01:01:13] Stan Rain: [01:01:13] Reflection. Okay. Reflection seeing the way that we perceive other people. For the unconscious person, for the average person, when you interact with someone you're interacting, basically with your own reflection, all the qualities that you judge on that person, you know, to be good or bad...

[01:01:31] James Bansbach: [01:01:31] You project.

[01:01:31] Stan Rain: [01:01:31] You proj.... Yes. You're projecting all of that shit onto them. And I say this because again, in my, uh, uh, my relationship... I swear to God, if you're listening, uh, I'm not gonna keep talking about this in every episode, but there were so many qualities in her that attracted me to her, that I wished that I had like, being an extrovert, going out, going on adventures. But then that naturally came out in me. The only reason why it was so attractive is they were always in me. And I was projecting that lack of those qualities, me onto her...

[01:02:07] James Bansbach: [01:02:07] And putting her on a pedestal. 

[01:02:08] Stan Rain: [01:02:08] Yes. Yes. Um...

[01:02:11] James Bansbach: [01:02:11] Yep. That's what happens.

[01:02:12] Stan Rain: [01:02:12] And the same thing, when you judge someone -- a bad thing in someone, and like all the time I judged someone like, Oh, that guy you're a little, but self-centered, you're, you're kind of selfish, or that person is selfish, because I judge that same thing in myself.

[01:02:30] Okay. And so the reason why I'm really bringing this up and the whole endeavor to accept your light and your dark, watch that. Be observant of how you judge and perceive and what you project onto other people, especially the stuff that you judge as bad. What does that say about you? And you just sit with that for a little while.

[01:02:50] The next thing real quick: self love, getting to that place to where you accept all of you. Exactly as you are right now, the good, the bad, the light, the dark. When you come from that place of just, "I'm a human, I'm a fucking human being". You are a beautiful human being. I'm talking to you listening right now.

[01:03:13] This is why I say that poem every single time at the end of the podcast, that you are lovable. You are enough. You are perfect. Exactly as you are. You're not fucking broken!!! 

[01:03:24] Then you can come from a place of building a much more powerful you when you own all of that... Got a little passionate there. It's very important to me. 

[01:03:37] James Bansbach: [01:03:37] Anger and passion are, uh, are very similar energies. So if we, if we lack, uh, the ability to own our anger, we also lack the ability to passionately pursue our mission and our dreams and our desire and the "whamenz" that we love. And yeah, if we don't have access to our anger -- it's light and dark, masculine, feminine. This the polar opposite. Um, but it's the same thing 

[01:03:59] Stan Rain: [01:03:59] All right now... There's one thing I, uh, I want to ask your advice on: what is one thing that my listener can do in order to hone their darkness a little more. What do you feel? What's coming to you? 

[01:04:16] James Bansbach: [01:04:16] You mean aside from booking a call with me or you? Hehehe!

[01:04:19] Stan Rain: [01:04:19] Hahaha!

[01:04:21] James Bansbach: [01:04:21] Something they can do to hone their darkness... This is actually what I've really been working on for the past few months within myself. I've been owning this within myself and also I'm now helping other, especially men do this. And it's the darkness of our primal expression, okay... It's one of my. Three Compass Points: Love, Joy and Primal Expression are kind of the principles that I'm living my life by in this, you know, this period of time only because primal expression, being able to beat our chests, being able to use our, "ooowaaaaah!!" Like our voices, being able to... Jump up and down and stomp our feet and hit the ground with our hands and feel the vibrations in the earth and like be around men that are doing that as well.

[01:05:01] Um, if you can activate those parts of yourself, that quote unquote "darkness", and that's only term "darkness", because that's what our society has deemed it to be. The narrative of society has told us you can't be angry. You can't go and hit things. You can't scream. You can't -- watch your tone! All these things are subliminally programming us from a very early age to say "that's bad". And this way of being, is good. Sit down, shut up, pick up the pencil and make it happen.

[01:05:31] Um, but when we own that dark side of us, when we own the primal expression, I think it's the healthiest, easiest way to heal. Because when you're doing that, when you're vibrating your chest, when you're beating your body, when you're using your voice and stomping your feet, you are literally vibrating your body and everything is vibration.

[01:05:51] So the more vibration you pump into something to easier it is to shift and move things within it. It's like when you take ice, it's not vibrating very quickly, but when you start by vibrating it faster and faster, and when you start jumping and breathing, when you start moving your arms and moving that energy, you start to change frequencies and you can start to melt those old ice, that, those old feelings, those old patterns in the body from repetitive things.

[01:06:19] And also places in your mind. And when you speed up like that, you can set new intentions. You can have emotional releases. Spontaneous... Sometimes I just bawl my eyes out and then I need to freaking scream and then I need to hit some things. And that's what our bodies need. You know? So I would say, um, get in tune with primal expression, go outside, a very practical thing, go on outside in a park and just scream.

[01:06:46] See what comes up. See, see what kind of fears come up when you're like, Oh, hope I'm not people think I'm not an ax murderer or something screaming in the park. Just go out and do, do it. Just hit your chest and grunt. See what it feels like. That's what I would tell people to do from where I am right now in my journey.

[01:07:02] Quickest, fastest way to. Um, build confidence and blast through limiting beliefs, just to be who you are, your primal nature. 

[01:07:12] Stan Rain: [01:07:12] So I'm going to do a little bit of right now.

[01:07:14] Raaah, raaah raaah raaaaaaah!!

[01:07:21] James Bansbach: [01:07:21] Yeah, beat that chest! Aaaaaahh!!!

[01:07:23] Stan Rain: [01:07:23] Hoowaaaah!

[01:07:23] James Bansbach: [01:07:23] Aaaah!!!!

[01:07:23] Stan Rain: [01:07:23] Hahahaha!

[01:07:23] James Bansbach: [01:07:23] You already feel better, right, 

[01:07:24] Stan Rain: [01:07:24] Dude! Yeah. 

[01:07:25] James Bansbach: [01:07:25] We did four and a half seconds. I already feel like I'm ready to like go jump around, man.

[01:07:31] Stan Rain: [01:07:31] Ah, James, this has been a very beautiful expression of, of just the human need to accept and love all aspects, light and dark. As crazy as this sounds, we can go so much deeper and there are so many other tangents there that we can...

[01:07:48] James Bansbach: [01:07:48] We're not even at the surface yet, man, we're in the atmosphere! Whe're not even at surface yet bro! We haven't even touched down yet, bro!

[01:07:58] Stan Rain: [01:07:58] I love that analogy!

[01:07:58] James Bansbach: [01:07:58] Our UFO's are buzzing!

[01:07:59] Stan Rain: [01:07:59] Yeah, man, as we end, how can my listener get in touch and connect with you, James Bansbach for more information on what you do and any services that you can, uh, that you can provide?

[01:08:11] James Bansbach: [01:08:11] Yeah. Right now, Facebook typing up James Bansbach at the moment. Uh, you can type in the Bold Life Brotherhood on Facebook as well.

[01:08:18] I have an Instagram @James_Bansbach_Coaching with spaces in between. And I'm working on finishing up my website, which I'm super excited about.

[01:08:26] Stan Rain: [01:08:26] All right! I can't wait!

[01:08:27] James Bansbach: [01:08:27] Instead of making it myself, I actually hired someone to do it. I'm like so much happier. Um, so yeah, that was awesome. And yeah, just shoot me a message.

[01:08:37] I love helping people. And, um, it's what I, it's part of my sacred mission. I'm seeing everything as sacred now it's part of my sacred mission. It's why I'm here. Um, and yeah, I just want to help people and same with Stan, you know, he's, he's evolving, we're all growing and blossoming. We're on the same path.

[01:08:56] We were all... Both of us are into this hypnosis stuff, man! As soon as he got on, I was like,  that's my Dream Weaver, brother over there. I was like, Oh, there's more of us. Oh!

[01:09:05] Stan Rain: [01:09:05] That is so crazy. And that's exactly why I absolutely agree that we are soul brothers. We've been on this path, uh, for several lifetimes. And we're going to keep forging this path forward until we awaken more. 

[01:09:17] James Bansbach: [01:09:17] Yeah man, challege accepted.

[01:09:19]James. Thank you so much, man. 

[01:09:21] James Bansbach: [01:09:21] My brother. Appreciate it.

[01:09:32] Stan Rain: [01:09:32] My darling human. Thank you so much for hanging out with me and James today. This is my way of serving you. So I appreciate your company. I appreciate your time. And. I appreciate just allowing the space for me to come and share my heart with you. I love you a lot, and I love our time together.

[01:09:49] Big up thanks to my soul brother, James Bansbach: embodiment coach extraordinaire and master of the dark. We went deep this week and we barely scratched the surface. You'll find all the ways to connect with James in the show notes down below. I highly recommend you check him out. If you need to prepare to go into that dark forest of life, he will help you collect your sword of confidence.

[01:10:16] You'll find Naked Rain Experience connections on Facebook and Instagram @NakedRainExperience. With information on the show and a link to our Naked Rain Experience: Discover Your Light Facebook Group. I invite you to connect with me right there. So what did you take away from our time today? What are things you're judging about yourself that are hiding in your shadows?

[01:10:35] What are you willing to own in yourself that you secretly always wanted to embrace? This is a very personal thing. I completely understand. But if you're feeling courageous, come share a little bit of your experience with us in the private Facebook group. My personal Instagram @StanTheOldFashionedMan -- let's share an old fashioned together.

[01:10:53] And you can email me: stan@nakedrainexperience.com.  And as always there's nakedrainexperience.com. All the links for everything everywhere can be found right there. It's been real, love our time together. Have a fantastic and safe week ahead. If I don't see you on Instagram or in the Facebook group, I will see you next Monday.

[01:11:13] This podcast, this is recorded and produced by Rain Soundworks.

[01:11:16] And as always, I will leave with this...

[01:11:20] You are lovable. You are loved. You are enough. Exactly, as you are. Right now. Light your divine candle. Raise it up high. You deserve to be celebrated! Lead others through the storm to paradise beyond the horizon, simply by being you. Leave a light for the world to follow. Be extraordinary. Shine on, my beloved friend.